Archives for August 2018

Today’s post is a very personal one. I don’t write about these deep topics often, but when I do they seem well received by you guys. You like when I’m real. This particular post has been on my mind for a while now. I always knew it would be a topic I would write about when I started my blogging career, I just didn’t know when. I’ve never actually put the words on “paper” until today. So, here it goes.

Anxiety. This one word dictates my life. Anxiety is like quicksand- it happens out of no where, and then all of a sudden you are sinking.

Anxiety does one of two things: It brings people closer to you. Or, it pushes people extremely far away. Some people just don’t understand the concept of how anxiety works (that includes some of my friends & family). It may be by choice, or ignorance. I have ended friendships, and most recently a potential “relationship” over this.

When I take the time to really think about it and look back, I realize I had anxiety all my life. When I was little I was really high strung. If certain things weren’t perfect (like my hair), I would have a melt down. I wouldn’t leave the house without each flyaway being matted down with gel.

I had an eating disorder in high school. Food gave me anxiety. If the cabinets or fridge were too full of food I would get so anxious. It would really stress me out. To this day, I still feel that way. I have to keep the refrigerator organized so it doesn’t happen. When I had roommates it was literally suffocating. I couldn’t control other people’s food. When I go home to visit my parents, I find myself having to organize their refrigerator just so I can open it and feel okay. It’s crazy, maybe I am crazy.

I never knew it back then, but I guess all along I have had a form of anxiety. For me, I only remember the day I really knew how to label it. The day I learned what it was. The day that permanently brought this mental health disorder into my life.

The back story: I was in an abusive relationship (physical, mental, and verbal). This is not something I ever discuss or advertise. God, those times and those years were tough. It was really when my anxiety began. I remember the first time I really felt it.

I was in my ex-boyfriend’s car and we were fighting. Then, it happened. I was hysterical. It was frightening. It felt like I was suffocating. Like, someone had a plastic bag around my face. I wanted to escape and jump out of the car, but it was a moving vehicle. He pulled over, and opened the window. I was crying. I was gasping for air and I was panicking. I was trying to breathe in every bit of air that existed outside that window. Was I having a heart attack? Did I need to go to the hospital? My mind was racing. A few minutes go by, but it feels like hours. My breath started to be controlled, my heartbeat slowed down. I felt like I was in a parallel universe. What just happened to me?! It was a panic attack. 

I have not been in that relationship for 7 years. However, as I get older my anxiety gets worse. Things that never used to affect me now set it off. For example- heights. Heights in slow motion specifically. Sometime, when I’m on escalators I get anxiety really bad. I usually try to take the stairs to avoid the feeling. Last week, I went to the Taylor Swift concert and our seats were in the nosebleeds. It was sooo high up. I felt like I couldn’t do it. My anxiety set in! People in the audience were even cheering me on and telling me I could do it. I could climb those stairs and get to my seat. In that moment, I really felt like I couldn’t but I did!

Another resent example happened a few weeks ago. My timesheet at work didn’t go through, so I didn’t get paid. I literally had a panic attack. All I could think about was how my bills were due. I literally bursted out crying while at work.  I went into a private room to let the tears fall, and to catch my breath. I was in there for over 20 minutes. Once I calmed down, I was fine. It’s so bizarre how quickly my emotions get interrupted and taken from me. 

I do have anxiety medication, but for me it’s so situational that I really don’t want to take something everyday. It makes me feel nauseous too, which isn’t fun. I am taking the steps to get some assistance with this. I am in the process of trying to find a professional I can speak with.

Why am I telling you all this? Sometimes (especially with my blog) I feel like I am living a double life. Don’t get me wrong, I am genuinely happy! But, I only show you guys the good moments and never the bad. Sometimes, I feel like I try to fit into that perfect little box. I’m being what the world wants to see. Today’s post has shown you that’s not actually the case.

My life feels like a struggle sometimes. The last two weeks anxiety has seemed to find me again. I am not perfect. With that being said, I wanted to express and highlight what this disorder is really like! Anxiety is so common these days. 

I know after this is posted things could change. I could face judgement. I could be seen in a different light. Or, I can make you understand who I am and why. It’s actually terrifying and I feel anxious thinking about it.

I hope others who struggle with anxiety know they are not alone. With this platform I am creating, I want to have the ability to help others. It is important for me to be candid. If just one person can relate and not feel alone, then I have done my job!

xx Courtney

*Photos at the beach are by Nick Pini. I am wearing Pini. Anxiety shoot photos are by David Lutz.