Smile Darling

*This post deals with a sensitive subject matter and may be triggering to some. This is my personal journey, and is in no way meant to condone the behaviors mentioned. If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, call the NEDA Hotline at 800-931-2237. 

Today, I’m Outing Myself. 

When it comes to being open with my audience, I try to be as ‘authentic’ as possible, while at the same time trying to maintain my privacy. 

When you willingly let people into your life with personal things, it poses the question: Do I owe it to my audience to update you with these things? Do I not owe you anything? What do I owe myself?  From the start, I have been so honest and open in previous posts. I know this is something my followers value.  

You trust me as an Influencer. Maybe you relate to me. Maybe you feel like you’re a part of this journey too. We feel connected.

I was going to share this post two years ago, but a friend told me not to and it would be a mistake. She said I was supposed to be a role model… and it would look bad.

I wanted to keep this part of me safe and a secret, because you never know what can happen online – which is terrifying. I don’t need people putting doubts in my head on whether or not I should open up. I don’t want to have a “negative influence” on someone. I don’t want people to judge me, or to worry about me.

While I agree it was way too premature for me to share something that I had not yet sorted out myself, I do not feel that being a role model has anything to do with whether or not someone should open up about themselves – after all, we are all human at the end of the day.  

After carefully weighing what I would do, I felt it was time for me to share. 

I have mentioned in passing to you that I’ve had previous eating disorder issues. I have always been purposely vague. I stated when the timing was right I would share more. My story has many layers. So here it goes…no more holding back. 

My Truth

I am an addict. 

It’s so weird to say that ‘out loud,’ and it’s not in the way you would normally think. 

I am addicted to diet pills, and have been for the last ten years. I chase the feeling of being “skinny,” or looking a certain way.

An eating disorder is NOT a body type. It is a mental disease. These words are something I feel the need to emphasize. 

I was able to convince myself since I wasn’t actually losing a lot of weight; since I wasn’t making myself throw up, or since I wasn’t starving myself, I convinced myself that I no longer had an eating disorder. I allowed myself to be blinded from the actual truth for the last TEN years. 

I know this addiction has attributed to my anxiety in multiple ways, nor has it helped my autoimmune disorder (Graves’ Disease). Also, I know it’s why I can be so high strung, because I’ve basically been on a form of speed. 

Life is a series of decisions. You always think of an end goal, not the long term effects or outcome. That is something I see now. 

I am opening up and sharing my story with you today for a few reasons. First, I want to help other people who are struggling with eating disorders. Sometimes, we are blinded by diet culture. We may not actually realize that there’s a much larger societal problem. I want people who are struggling to know that they are not alone. Secondly, I want my followers to realize that things are not always as they seem. My life is not necessarily the highlight reel that I strive to put out for you all. There is a real person behind this screen. My life is not all about fashion, brand collabs, and content. It is far, far more complex. 

Where It All Began: The Back Story 

From as young as 4 years old, I remember hating my body. I remember being self-conscious of my body. I wanted to change my body. You see, I was born with a large umbilical hernia. Essentially, this is when the intestines extrude out of the abdominal muscles near the navel on a little baby’s body. This causes a visible hernia. It’s not super common, but it’s not uncommon. Usually, it goes away on its own. However, it left me with internal scarring and an “outie” belly button. 

When you are little you don’t realize you’re different. You don’t realize it until other people point it out, until other people make fun of you. While that may seem so incredibly minor to some, that was the start of the slippery slope I slid down with body dysmorphia.

My eating disorder began in middle school. It started off with me restricting food. My body was obviously changing (thanks, puberty), and I didn’t know how to handle it. I was tall for my age, and I was wearing Junior sizes in 5th grade. To this day, I remember a joke my Dad said to me about my belly button the summer before 8th grade. I know he meant it in a harmless, joking way but I will never forget the embarrassment that I felt. I will never forget the feeling of knowing I had to make myself look better in other ways to compensate for this difference.  

Flash forward to high school. That’s where shit really hit the fan. My body image and self-confidence level was at an all-time low. My eating disorder got pretty bad in 9th & 10th grade. I wouldn’t eat for a couple days at a time. When I would eat, I would binge and purge. I was losing my voice every few months. I was tired and napping every day after school before making the drive to all-star cheerleading. 

After I saw the first few pounds come off, it became an obsession. I lost all self-control. My disorder was taking me down like quicksand. I felt losing weight was the only way I could make myself “pretty”. The one way I could control my body and feel less ashamed. 

One day I cracked, and told a former best friend. She ended up telling her Mom, who then called my Mom. My secret was out. They staged an intervention.

I was ambushed. I was panicked. I was pissed.

I truly was filled with fear. I didn’t want to stop! They couldn’t make me stop! I convinced my Mom I was fine and had it under control. My lowest weight was 113, and I am 5’7 with an athletic build. I was not meant to be that size. 

Fast forward to my later high school years, my eating disorder got better. But, not really. I wasn’t making myself throw up that much. However, I developed a little addiction to Adderall. I would take it a few times a week so it would make me not feel hungry. 

I convinced myself this wasn’t an eating disorder and I was fine. One day, a friend told me I was abusing it and he wouldn’t give it to me anymore. Again, I was pissed. We got into a fight in the middle of English class… he told me to “go eat a bag of chips,” and that was the end of that friendship. 

After that, I started buying diet pills through eBay. I wasn’t 18 years old yet, so I couldn’t buy them in stores. I didn’t do this often though because I was a broke high school kid. Little did I know, those diet pills would become my addiction.

My college years… what a time to be alive! I put on the freshman 15, but I mean who doesn’t? My sophomore year I transferred to a school in Florida, aka bathing suit season year-round. My obsession with trying to look “skinny” came back. I started using diet pills to lose some weight. That was my downfall. Since then, I’ve never actually stopped. To put that in perspective, that was 10 years ago.

Where I Am Today: The Power of Change 

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I ask myself, “How did we get here, Court?” Sometimes, I feel like I am drowning from my own mind. From my own words. From my own actions. 

While I personally feel I am in a better place with food these days, I still have my moments that can sometimes dictate my life (and other peoples’ lives, as well). If you read my post on anxiety, you know I can get pretty anxious when there is a large amount of food in the fridge or pantry. I obsessively have to keep those two places in the kitchen organized. For whatever reason, everything needs to have its place on a shelf and be sorted by a specific category (i.e.: condiments, snacks, fruit, etc.). If things are expired or about to be, I compulsively need to throw them out. It is something I have been trying to get better at over the last few years. 

There comes a time in most people’s lives when they realize they need a change. They want a change. For me, I’ve had many. 

This time around it was completely different. It was Fall 2019. My 30th birthday was 5 months away, and I truly wanted to feel self-love. To let these demons remain in the past! As I mentioned, I have Graves’ Disease. Taking care of my body became more important to me. 

The first step to my recovery was telling my parents about how I have truly hated my appearance my whole life. How I have been addicted to diet pills for all these years. I was too scared to pick up the phone, so I sent them a long text. Looking back now, I wish I did it in a more personal way. I am sure they were shocked, overwhelmed, but also not so surprised after all. My secret was out to the only people who really needed to know.

After that, I started doing things right. I started to find an exercise program and dietary plan that fit me and my body’s needs. My medication for my Hyperthyroidism and Graves’ started working, so I knew I would be able to start working out again after a year and a half break. 

I started eating mostly Gluten-free and Dairy-free. I found Tidal Strength & Cycle and Barre3 Charleston. Taking their classes is truly something I enjoy. Tidal gives me the opportunity to work out in small class sizes, where I am not just a number. The owners know me by name. The staff really wants to help me, and you can tell they genuinely care. The same goes for Barre3, which really pushed me outside my comfort zone. When I think my body may give up, the instructors are there to motivate me to keep going . After my first barre class there, I laid there on a yoga mat with a lavender towel over my face. I let tears roll down as instructor Shelby told us all to thank our bodies. I knew in that moment, I was on the right path. 

After a few months, I saw positive results from working hard and doing things the right way. It felt good! I felt liberated! I felt like I was on the right path and in the clear. Like, I had taken back my life. 

June 2020- The Relapse

2020 has been… weird. It has caused me to examine my life and do a lot of thinking. A lot of unwanted thinking. In June, things got even weirder. I felt pretty alone. I was battling these weird stomach pains, and I tested positive for COVID-19 (oh yea, surprise). I was “seeing” someone the last few months, and that came to an end. I started struggling mentally. Not so much with depression, but with disappointment. I constantly struggle with the concept of what I had imagined my life being. I’m not where I thought I would be in my career, financially, or even relationship wise. I started sabotaging my own happiness. My mind became fully consumed with all these things that were out of my control. I hate not being in control of my mind or body. I started to feel lost again.

One day, I found a bottle of diet pills in my room. I told myself to throw them out, or flush them down the toilet. Considering the stomach ulcer and acid reflux pains I had a few weeks prior, I would have to be stupid to even consider taking them. For whatever reason, I couldn’t throw them out. I couldn’t let them go. I didn’t want to waste them. I told myself this will really be it. Once this bottle is gone, we are done. We don’t do this anymore, Courtney. I opened the lid, I saw there was probably two weeks’ worth left and it would be no big deal. So I relapsed. 

The pills are gone. I haven’t had the urge to get more. But I am left with guilt. At the end of the day, we can only realize the mistakes we’ve made. I need pick up the pieces and do better. 

I don’t want anyone to feel they have to monitor me. I don’t want anyone to feel they have to worry about me. I am taking the proper steps to deal with this. They say the first step is admitting there’s a problem. The next is taking the steps to resolve it. I have the ability to look back on my past and see how and when this all truly developed. I am now working on the healing stages.  

I often wonder how I have kept these feelings inside me the last 30 years. To have kept my addiction a secret for the last ten. It definitely was lonely at times. My reflection was someone I didn’t know. But here we are now, opening up to whoever takes the time to read this. It’s a secret no more. I have finally set myself free. 

If you’ve made it to the end, I am sure you are feeling some heavy emotions. Especially if you’re family, or someone who has always considered themselves close to me. I apologize you had to find out this way, but it was my way. 

And honestly… I feel relieved. I feel lighter than I ever felt. I feel free. There is no more hiding this part of me.

While I shared this story publicly, I do ask that you respect my privacy while I continue to get better every day and navigate into a positive, healthy future. I love you all, and thank you for reading. 

xx Courtney Fabiano