Smile Darling

*Today’s post deals with a heavy topic. Due to the nature of this post, it is recommended to be read by mature audiences.

“After all you put me through, you think I’d despise you. But in the end, I want to thank you ’cause you make me that much stronger” -Christina Aguilera

I’ve started and deleted this post so many times. Today’s post is a very personal one. I know you guys like me to be candid and real with you. In the past when I have shared really honest posts, they were always well received. That still doesn’t make it any less scary for me to open up my heart and mind for you. I’ve thought about what I would write and how I would say all this for sometime. What will I include? What should I leave out?

I think the reason it has been so hard for me to talk about this topic boils down to a few things. First and foremost, I don’t want it to come across as if I am ‘playing the victim’. I am not looking for your sympathy.  Secondly, I think it’s the shock factor. I know I have some friends and especially family who may not know about what I have endured. Having them read about it through an online post may make them feel bad.

But despite all of that, one of the main reasons it is hard for me to talk about this is because I don’t want to go back there. To write this post, I have to revisit some pretty painful memories that I have honestly tried to forget. I have moved on and forgiven. I do not want to feel anger or hate.

With all that being said, here it goes. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Did you know, that 10 million people a year are physically abused by an intimate partner? The number is staggering, and I was one of them.

I was in an abusive relationship on and off for 6 and a half years. To be transparent and for full discloser, I will always care about this person. He was my first love. But, this post is not about him and who he is. It’s not about why I stayed with him or loved him.

This post is to bring awareness. This can literally happen to anyone regardless of your age, race or background. Domestic violence does not discriminate. To protect the privacy of this person and his family, I will not be using a name. He doesn’t deserve a name. I will be referring to my ex boyfriend as HIM, HE or HIS.

Domestic violence is defined as “a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship”. It’s important I define that for you. Really take in those words.

When I look back at my relationship, it’s sometimes all a blur. Other times, I see everything crystal clear. It’s amazing how our minds block certain components out.

My relationship started when I was just shy of 15 years old. We met in French class. I had such a crush on him. He had that bad boy persona going on. The harmless type though. I think I thought I could change him, at least I wanted to. That was my first mistake, because ladies and gentlemen: YOU CAN’T CHANGE PEOPLE.

We argued a lot from the get-go. I disagreed with him skipping class, among other things. I remember that summer there was a lot of breaking up and getting back together- but then again that seemed to be the story of our entire relationship. I remember my friends saying to me, “Is it even worth it? You’re already fighting”. I always assured them it was and that things were fine. I don’t remember when our fighting really took a turn for the worst. When little fights, weren’t so little anymore.

When things were good they were really good, but when they were bad they were really bad. Drugs make people do crazy things, and he was a drug addict. He also had anger he could not control.

“YOU SLUT! ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID? YOU’RE SUCH A BITCH! WHY ARE YOU SUCH A WHORE? YOU ARE A PSYCHO! YOU C***”.

These words slowly became the new norm. It got to the point where if I even talk to another guy (friend or not) I could risk being called a slut or a whore. I pretty much avoided having guy friends all together.

Words can cut you like a knife, and after a while you start believing them. My anxiety really began while being in this type of relationship. I never knew what personality I was going to get. The verbal abuse really took a toll on me. I felt guilt tripped a lot. He would cheat on me and make me feel like it was my fault. After our fights, it was like a switch went off in his head. He would realize what had happened. He would be so sorry and would beg me to forgive him. He always promised he didn’t mean it and that he loved me. He would give me gifts or apology cards.

So, I believed him. I would forgive him… every single time.

I can’t remember the exact point in the relationship when things became physical, but they did. They were not physical often, but they shouldn’t have been at all. I was fortunate to never have been left with any physical signs or indication. It was somewhat easy for me to keep this secret from my friends and family. It was easy for me to lie. I was basically living a double life.

Have you ever been in a situation where you think as though you’re going to die? You have that,’This may be it’ moment? Well, I have. There were honestly a few times where I thought I may die.

I know he would never do it on purpose, but I also know that he didn’t know his own strength in these moments of rage. If he gripped my neck a little tighter, or if he suffocated me into the pillow a little longer that would have been it. Not being able to breath is the scariest thing. When you’re screaming and crying on top of it, that doesn’t really help.

During those few seconds, so many things rush through your mind. How did we get here? How is this happening to me? Sometimes, my life literally felt like I was in a movie. After I was locked in a bedroom, verbally abused, physically abused, and had a knife pulled on me on my 20th birthday I knew I had to tell someone how bad it had gotten.

And I did tell someone…but it was not the end of our complicated relationship just yet. Whenever I tried to end things he would say he would kill himself, or he would self harm. I had to call his mom on a few occasions and his best friend because I would get so worried. But when he would breakup with me, I would say the same things. I felt like I wanted to die when he said he didn’t love me anymore. I didn’t know how to function without him.

We finally broke up when I was around 22 years old. I think at that point we were just growing apart and becoming different people. We had different values. I was in college and he was doing whatever he was doing. I think we were both tired of the drama. He actually broke up with me. He told me I could do better and deserved better. This was my out.

Once I was out of the relationship, I finally saw the light. I was given an easy way out, but most people are not.

Being in this type of relationship was mentally exhausting. I am not proud of the person I was. I was also extremely mean and verbally abusive back. It was definitely a defense mechanism. He taught me words could be a weapon, so I used them.

I was lying a lot. I lied to my parents constantly. I was sneaking around meeting him in motels because at one point we weren’t allowed in one another’s homes. I was lying to friends, and was even having some of my friends lie to our other friends. Only certain people could know we were together. I had to constantly keep track of who I was saying what to.

This abusive relationship has taught me a lot about myself. I have learned that I am so much stronger than I thought I could be. When it comes to confrontation, I struggle with that to this day. It’s either fight or flight with me and no in between. I get defensive, or anxious.

With this being a blog post, a lot of details and storylines were omitted. Otherwise this would be a novel. There is a lot more I wanted to say and I could have shared. But, with the rest of the time I have, I want to share some “Red Flags” for abusive relationships.

• Guilt Tripping
• Gaslighting
• Confrontational
• Lack of trust
• Lack of respect for your feelings
• Extreme Jealousy
• The Silent Treatment
• Building you up, breaking you down on repeat
• Lying
• Isolating you
• Not taking responsibility for their actions
• Constant checking in
• Rude to their parents
• Name calling
• Destroys your property

You are your own person and you should never be with someone who prevents you from making your own decisions, or who makes you feel intimidated.

*If you or someone you know is struggling with an abusive relationship please call The National Domestic Violence HOTLINE at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

xx Courtney